


It Feels Like the First Time

by idareu2bme



Category: Deadpool (2016)
Genre: Blind Al cameo, Canon Compliant, Crack, Deadpool and his Unicorn, German Sparkle Party, Gratuitous Song Lyrics, Masturbation, Other, Ridiculous, a few feels snuck in, and how wade got said unicorn, deadpool loves unicorns, im not sorry, rude and lewd, this is just a fic about masturbating with a unicorn, unbetaed, unicorn, wade wilson falls in love with a plush unicorn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-21 02:07:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6034069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idareu2bme/pseuds/idareu2bme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>aka. Sparkle Hooves, The Origin Story</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Feels Like the First Time

_I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world_

_Life in plastic, it’s fantastic_

_You can brush my hair --if I had any, heh!_

 

_Undress me everywhere --yes, you can, good sir._

 

_Damn, look at that fine piece of ass right there. Oooh eee, you can tell he’s got a thighmaster at home. I hope he drops that head of cabbage he just picked up, I need to see him bend over! Damn, no dice. That man has a good and firm grip on his cabbage. Ah well, back to the shopping._

 

_Oh, hello gentle reader! Does it surprise you to find me out shopping for groceries? Hate to break it to you,  but not all of us super folk are super rich. We don’t all live in great big towers and have our own leggy redheads fulfilling our every fancy. Some of us have to go out scavenging for our food like our primal ancestors. Now, you’re probably saying to yourself, if Wade Wilson can’t die, then why does he need to eat? It’s not like he could starve to death. Why is he wasting his money on food when he could be spending it on cool things like ammunition and the latest season of Game of Thrones on DVD? Well, for one thing, I don’t have a DVD player. But, that’s not the point. I’ll tell you why-- actually, no, you know what, that’s between you and the writer. I’m just a character here._

 

_So, anyhoo, I’m just here at the grocery store getting a few provisions after work --your regular joe schmo, if you will ...yup._

 

_Okay, I’ve got to level with you, I’m not really sure what the plan is here. I mean, you’ve caught me in between gigs. Soo… not too sure what the writer is up to. But, since you’re here, let’s go check out the freezer section. Mmm, microwave dinners! Just like momma used to make!_

 

_Imagination, life is your creation_

 

_Sing with me now…_

 

_Come on Barbie, let's go party_

_Ah-ah-ah yeah!_

_Come on Barbie, let's go party_

_Oooh-ooh, Oooh-ooh_

 

 _\--------------_ \----

 

Wade shimmied his way through the local corner grocery store, a plastic shopping basket hanging from the crook of his elbow. He had the song Barbie Girl by AQUA stuck in his head, _again_. The store wasn’t very busy that day and what shoppers were there quickly made room for the ugly man (who maybe reeked a little bit like a shit after chasing some idiot thugs through the sewers earlier that day) whenever he entered their aisle. (Yeah, he was a double whammy of unappealing at the moment).

 

“Make me walk, make we talk, do whatever you please,” sang Wade to himself, just a notch above under his breath.

 

He still felt a touch insecure when out in public without his mask, but he’d quickly learned that no matter what he did, people were going to look at him with clear distaste. With that realization, he had allowed himself the liberation to flaunt it without care. ‘Fake it until you make it’ and all that jazz. It didn’t _really_ work _all_ of the time, but in that moment, Wade couldn’t be bothered that he looked like a particularly heinous chemical burn victim. He was feeling pretty damn good. He’d just killed his way through four more of Ajax’s idiotic thugs and had gotten closer to finding good ol’ Francis, himself.

 

“You can touch, you can play, if you say I’m always yours,” sang Wade, throwing his free hand out and tilting his head back as he sang.

 

He pulled open the freezer door and grabbed a few boxes of microwavable dinners, tossing them into his basket. Then, with a purposeful skip in his step, he trotted past the lady and her son standing just down the aisle from him with scrunched up noses.

 

“Come on Barbie, let’s go party,” sang Wade, winking at the lady before swinging out of her aisle.

 

When he got to the till, he was just behind an middle aged woman wearing a fucktonne of makeup and who was well doused in perfume. She had simply plunked her grocery basket on the counter so that the young cashier had to take each item out of it herself. Wade caught the cashier’s eye roll and grinned to himself. At least his sewer stink was mostly blocking out the incredible, overpowering nasty that was the perfume the woman was wearing. Wade bounced on the balls of his feet and hummed the Barbie Girl song quietly while he waited for the woman to pay and leave with her bags of groceries.

 

“Heeello,” said Wade when she had gone. He took the bag of apples out of his basket and placed them on the counter first.

 

“Augh,” exclaimed the cashier, “what’s that smell?”

 

“Shit, most likely,” said Wade with a shrug before placing the jumbo sized container of lotion on the counter next. “Probably piss, too. ..And other stuff, but we probably don’t want to know about the other stuff.”

 

The cashier raised an eyebrow at the massive container of lotion before picking it up and scanning the barcode.

 

“What?” asked Wade, “did you not notice my dermatitis? Gotta keep this skin hydrated.”

 

The cashier didn’t say anything, just scanned the next items Wade had placed on the counter --including the family sized box of cocoa puffs that Wade was super excited to eat for supper that night. When everything had been rung through the till, Wade pulled out his velcro Hello Kitty wallet and paid with a few creased bills. Without so much as a ‘have a nice day’, the cashier threw his receipt in a bag and looked away in a silent ‘we’re done here’. Wade grabbed the three bags of groceries, gave her a salute, and headed out the door of the small, dingy, corner grocery store.

 

On his walk home, he passed an adult toy store and had to stop mid stride when he noticed the white plushie unicorn wearing assless chaps in the window display. (Yeah, you know you live in a classy neighbourhood when the adult stores have window displays instead of frosted windows!) He double-- triple-- quadruple took at the sight of the unicorn. With a soft gasp, he rushed to the window, nearly pressing himself against it, to get a closer look. Yes, it was, without a doubt, a fuzzy, white plush unicorn wearing black, leather assless chaps.

 

“I need you,” gasped Wade at the unicorn. “Oh fucking lord almighty how I need you.”

 

With that, Wade raced into the store. The man looked up from where he was reading on his perch behind the counter when Wade came in gasping exaggeratedly.

 

“How much for the unicorn in the window?” exclaimed Wade.

 

The man’s brow furrowed for a moment. He glanced over at the window for a beat while Wade nearly had a heart attack at how badly he needed the fuzzy white unicorn in his hands at that very moment.

 

“Oh,” said the man, finally, “Sorry, dude, it’s not actually for sale. It’s just for our window display.”

 

Wade’s mouth fell open. He dropped his grocery bags to the floor.

 

“No, no, no, no,” said Wade, shaking his head, “I don’t think you understand. Ever since I was a wee boy, I’ve wanted to have that unicorn --that magical, assless chap wearing friend. Good sir, it’s been my lifelong dream to have a white fluffy unicorn just like that one since at least 45 seconds ago!”

 

The man was looking at him in unimpressed disbelief.

 

“What’s your name?” asked Wade.

 

“Frank,” said the man.

 

“Frank! I’m Wade,” said Wade before he gestured at his face. “Do you see this skin, Frank? That’s final stages of Acute Dermatitis Oxidizous. I’m a sick man, Frank. A sick, sick man. Would you deny a sick man his final wish?”

 

Wade made his eyes as big and sad as he could. Frank didn’t look convinced, just disgusted.

 

“Okay, okay,” said Frank.

 

“Yes! You’re a good man, Frank!” exclaimed Wade, doing a fist pump. “How much?”

 

“Just take the damn thing,” said Frank shaking his head and muttering something else under his breath. Wade couldn’t be bothered to wonder at it, he was going to get his unicorn!

 

“Golly, you have made me the happiest girl in the whole county, Mister!” exclaimed Wade before rushing to the window display.

 

“Yoink!” he said as he grabbed the unicorn from where it was sitting on the sex saddle. He gentled his movements once he had it in his hands, though. With a huge gasp, Wade slowly brought the unicorn to his face and nuzzled its nose happily.

 

“I shall call you Sparkle Hooves,” he whispered looking deep into its plastic eyes. “We are going to have such a great life together, Sparkle Hooves. It’s just you and me against the world, baby.”

 

Wade kissed the unicorn’s nose.

 

“Let’s go home,” he murmured to it lovingly before putting it in the neck of his hoodie so it was peeking out at this throat and then picking up his bags of groceries. “Bye Frank!” he called over his shoulder as he left the store.

 

Barbie Song forgotten in his excitement, he hummed “ _I like German sparkle party,”_ under his breath as he continued on his way home. “ _Sparkle party, sparkle party.”_

 

\------------------

  
“Ya, is this the party!?” exclaimed Wade, pushing open his duplex's door.

 

“Wade,” called Al. “You get creamer?”

 

“I got something better than creamer,” exclaimed Wade, striding in and kicking the door shut behind him. The place smelled strongly of coffee. Al had an unhappy twist to her lips when Wade found her standing in the kitchen.

 

“I wanted creamer,” she said, arms crossed. “I've been _waiting_ for the creamer. You said you'd be quick.”

 

Wade glanced at the mug of coffee sitting on the counter, no longer steaming. Shrugging, he plunked his grocery bags on the counter. He stealthily pulled the carton of creamer out of one and soundlessly placed it beside her mug of coffee before beginning to unpack the groceries out of the first bag.

 

“You took extra long getting back,” said Al, going to their little refrigerator to get the milk in light of the lack of creamer. “Meet some friends in a dark alley?”

 

“The sun is shining today, Al!” exclaimed Wade. “Shining brightly with victory and purpose. There's not a single dark alley in the city on this the holiest of days.”

 

“I heard rain earlier,” she replied dryly while uncapping the milk jug.

 

Wade pulled the unicorn from his hoodie, gave it a quick kiss on the nose and placed it on the counter where it could survey the room. He glanced over when Al cursed under her breath. She had just knocked the creamer over in an attempt to pour the milk into her coffee.

 

“Damnit Wade,” she grumbled, setting down the milk and putting the cap back on.

 

“What?” asked Wade. “You said you wanted me to buy creamer. I bought creamer.”

 

“Dick,” she hissed before turning to put the milk back in the fridge.

 

Wade hummed to himself while he grabbed a bowl from the cupboard, He tore open the cocoa puffs he'd just purchased and filled the bowl with the cereal. He gave Al a dirty look when he realized she had put the milk away and then went over to the fridge to get it back out.

 

“So, what did you get that's better than creamer,” asked Al as she opened the small carton of creamer and poured it into her coffee. Her mood seemed improved now that she had her _damned_  creamer. 

 

“A new roommate!” exclaimed Wade. Al froze for only a millisecond, but Wade noticed. He grinned. “Oh, don't worry, he won't be paying rent, so I'll still need you.”

 

Wade set down his bowl of cocoa puffs and picked up his new unicorn.

 

“This is Sparkle Hooves,” he said, brushing the soft, fluffy unicorn against Al's cheek. “He's my soul mate.”

 

“Huh,” said Al before taking a sip of her coffee. “Well, keep the fucking to a minimum, I hear _everything_ you do in this godforsaken duplex.”

 

“The fucking?” exclaimed Wade. “Sparkle Hooves is much too pure for-- hmm.” Wade looked at the unicorn in his hands with new eyes. “Could we?” he asked the unicorn in a hushed voice. “You're already wearing your party pants, all we need is some rubber boots.”

 

Al let out a defeated sigh and left the room with her coffee in hand. Wade chewed the thin, nasty skin that was the remains of his bottom lip while regarding the unicorn in his hand. Suddenly, the unicorn held so much more potential. Not just a friend... a lover. 

 

“Do we dare?” he asked. The unicorn's dead plastic eyes seemed to say 'yes, yes we must'.

 

Wade let out a whine of excitement before grabbing the supreme sized bottle of lotion from one of the grocery bags.

 

“It's because I'm _supremely_ turned on right now,” he explained to no one in particular. Then he raced to his bed with the unicorn and lotion in tow.

 

\------------------

 

 

Stripped bare and laying under a thin, ratty bed sheet, Wade regarded the fluffy white unicorn sitting perched on his chest. It was so beautiful, so pure-- too good for this world, really. He liked how its soft fuzz tickled at his scarred skin.

 

“I'm going to make this so good for you,” he whispered to the unicorn before craning his neck forward to place a soft kiss on it's nose. “This might be your first time,” he said before touching his finger to the tip of the unicorn's horn, “but I can tell you're _horny_ for me.”

 

He giggled manically to himself at that before sobering enough to pump a handful of lotion into his palm. He reached under the sheet and wrapped his lotion-filled hand around his hardening dick and gave it a few precursory tugs. His eyes rolled shut and he let out a happy rumbling sound.

 

“Yeah,” he exhaled. “This is gonna be amazing.”

 

The unicorn stared at his face, _obviously_  fascinated.

 

“Do you want to see what I'm doing, Sparkle Hooves?” asked Wade. “Or would you rather stay up here?”

 

The unicorn didn't blink, didn't move, didn't speak, but Wade understood.

 

“It's a little much, I know,” he said, nodding. “We just met not an hour ago and already here we are. This is what you do to me, sweet thing. I can't help myself. I promise this isn't just carnal, though. I'll still love you in the morning.”

 

Wade pulled on his dick a few more times. Full hard, now, he let out a happy sigh and just basked in the feeling of his hand on his dick and the unicorn on his chest. The best part of having that beautiful, fluffy, white unicorn sitting on his chest while he touched himself, Wade quickly realized, was that it made it easier for him to shut the thought of Vanessa out of his mind while he did his thing. It hurt so much to miss her. This was better.

 

“Do you like to party party?” asked Wade, his voice slightly strained as he began to work his dick with his hand in earnest. The unicorn stayed silent. “I can tell you like to party party. But do you like to dancey dance?”

 

The uneven skin of his dick began to catch on the uneven skin of his hand. Wade let the friction build for a few seconds before taking his hand out from under the sheet.

 

“I know you like to dancey dance,” whispered Wade to the unicorn. “You're wearing your party pants.”

 

With both hands, one feeling a lot smoother than the other (damn, that was quality lotion), Wade touched light, barely-there fingertips to his nipples before pressing his thumbs down and rubbing in a circular motion. He exhaled a breathless 'guh', enjoying how the arousal got his scarred skin so sensitized. The unicorn stared, enraptured by his face. He must have been making some pretty damn interesting facial expressions. He had never really considered what his face looked like when he masturbated before. He rubbed his hands down his chest as far as he could reach, scratching his fingernails lightly over what hairs the abused skin on his thighs managed to grow. He cupped his balls in one hand, rolling them around and pressing his thumb into flesh.

 

“Auhh,” he exhaled, “feels good to dance.”

 

 

The unicorn said nothing in response. Obviously, it didn't want to take Wade out of the moment, too busy watching the show he put on for it. Not wanting to wait any longer to continue with the jerking, Wade filled his hand with more lotion and put his hand back on his dick. He pushed his hips up while bringing his loose fist down, enjoying the feel of the cool lotion heating through contact with his hot skin. He worked himself over, both hands and hips moving into each other. Every push up with his hips, rocked the unicorn forward and bumped it into his chin. 

 

The unicorn kept staring throughout. There was no judgment nor disgust in its eyes, just intrigue. It didn't blink, didn't turn its head --it didn't want to miss a thing. Wade continued to tug on his dick. Down and then up, his foreskin tight and then loose.

 

“Very nice to dance,” he said huskily.

 

 _Fap Fap Fap_ , said his hand on his dick.

 

His breathing was getting heaver and heaver, his chest rising and falling harshly enough that the unicorn had fallen over. It's face was pressed into his neck as if it were overcome.

 

“Shh, it's okay Sparkle Hooves,” he whispered breathlessly. He reached with his clean hand to pet over the unicorn's soft fluff, not stopping jerking himself. He was too close to stop now, even if the unicorn needed a little reassurance. He could do both. He was an excellent multitasker. 

 

His shoulder was starting to feel the strain of the specific movement, so Wade tightened his fist and began simply fucking up into it. The crappy, metal-frame of the bed creaked with his movements. He took his hand away from the unicorn to pinch at his nipples, one after the other.

 

“Hard-core dance,” he ground out. He fucked his fist harder. “Hard-core dance,” he whined. He inhaled sharply, furiously pumping his dick until he finally came in spurts of hot satisfaction. “Hard-core dance,” he whispered when he had finished.

 

He laid lax in his bed; sated, satisfied, covered in swiftly-cooling come. He breathed heavily for a few moments, but recovered quickly. The unicorn was still hiding its face in his neck. Wade wiped his hand on his thigh a few times before picking up the unicorn in both hands. He rolled on his side and spooned the little fluffy unicorn against his chest as best as he could.

 

“Are you okay?” he asked the unicorn quietly. “Was it too much?”

 

Wade waited silently for the unicorn to answer. It didn't say anything. He brought it up to look it in the eye.

 

“If you didn't like what we did,” he said. “You have to tell me or I won't know for next time.”

 

The unicorn stared into his eyes. It remained silent, but there was no fear in its fluffy features, and still no disgust in its eyes. Wade smiled sleepily at the unicorn.

 

“We've had a big day, Sparkle Hooves,” he said. “I chased and killed a bunch of idiotic, no-good, bags of herpes inflamed dicks, got some new information on where my special friend, Francis is hiding like the cowardly little worm he is, and had the best wank of my entire week with a new friend. And you... _you_ got a new home, a new life, and a new bed-mate. Yep, pretty big day.”

 

With that, Wade gave the unicorn another kiss and cuddled it close. He laid there for a few minutes smelling like sewer and sticky with come. The unicorn didn't mind. The unicorn didn't judge. The unicorn was just happy to be there.

 

 _\--------------_ \----

 


End file.
